When people think about narcissistic abuse, they usually focus on the narcissist. However, there is another harmful part of the manipulation that often goes unnoticed: flying monkeys.
Flying monkeys are people a narcissist uses to spread gossip, pressure others, defend toxic behavior, or emotionally attack someone on the narcissist’s behalf. The term comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch controlled flying monkeys to do her dirty work. In toxic relationships, narcissists often do something very similar.
These individuals may be friends, family members, coworkers, social media followers, or even romantic partners. Some knowingly participate in the manipulation, while others are completely unaware they are being used.
Understanding how flying monkeys operate can help you recognize emotional manipulation earlier and protect your mental well-being.
What Are Flying Monkeys?
Flying monkeys are people who assist a narcissist in controlling, intimidating, isolating, or emotionally harming another person. Instead of confronting someone directly, the narcissist recruits others to apply pressure or reinforce their version of events.
A flying monkey may:
- Spread rumors or gossip
- Deliver manipulative messages
- Pressure someone to forgive the narcissist
- Defend abusive behavior
- Monitor or report personal information
- Blame the victim for the conflict
- Attempt to guilt-trip or shame someone
In many situations, flying monkeys help maintain the narcissist’s image while making the victim feel isolated or misunderstood.
Why Do Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys?
Narcissists often crave control, validation, and attention. Flying monkeys help them maintain power without taking direct responsibility for their behavior.
There are several reasons narcissists rely on others during conflicts or relationship problems.
1. To Control the Narrative
Narcissists want people to believe their version of events. By involving others, they can make themselves appear innocent while portraying the victim as unreasonable, dramatic, or unstable.
This tactic helps protect their reputation.
2. To Avoid Accountability
Instead of admitting mistakes, narcissists may send others to defend them or attack the victim. This allows them to avoid direct confrontation and responsibility.
3. To Isolate the Victim
Flying monkeys can create emotional distance between victims and their support systems. Friends or family members may begin doubting the victim or repeating the narcissist’s accusations.
Over time, this isolation makes manipulation easier.
4. To Maintain Emotional Power
Narcissists often enjoy feeling influential. Controlling multiple people at once gives them a sense of importance and authority.
Are Flying Monkeys Always Aware?
Not always.
Some flying monkeys knowingly participate in toxic behavior. Others genuinely believe the narcissist’s story and think they are helping.
There are generally two types of flying monkeys:
Intentional Flying Monkeys
These individuals are aware of the manipulation but still support the narcissist because they benefit from the relationship, fear losing approval, or enjoy the drama.
Unintentional Flying Monkeys
These people may not realize they are being manipulated. They often hear one-sided stories and believe they are helping resolve a conflict.
Unfortunately, even unintentional flying monkeys can still cause emotional harm.
Common Signs of Flying Monkeys
Recognizing flying monkey behavior is important because manipulation is often subtle at first.
Here are some common signs.
They Repeat the Same Talking Points
Flying monkeys often repeat phrases or accusations that sound almost identical to what the narcissist says.
For example:
- “You are too sensitive.”
- “You are overreacting.”
- “They didn’t mean it that way.”
- “You should just move on.”
These statements can make victims question their feelings or experiences.
They Pressure You to Reconnect
A flying monkey may encourage someone to forgive the narcissist quickly without acknowledging the emotional damage that occurred.
This pressure often ignores healthy boundaries.
They Spy or Gather Information
Some flying monkeys monitor social media, ask intrusive questions, or report personal details back to the narcissist.
This behavior helps the narcissist maintain control.
They Minimize the Abuse
Flying monkeys often dismiss emotional pain by saying things like:
- “Nobody is perfect.”
- “That’s just how they are.”
- “You are making it a bigger issue than it is.”
Minimizing harmful behavior can make victims feel unheard and invalidated.
They Turn Others Against You
One of the most damaging tactics involves spreading rumors or creating misunderstandings that isolate the victim socially.
Why People Become Flying Monkeys
Many people wonder why someone would help a narcissist hurt another person.
The reasons are often complex.
Fear
Some people fear becoming the narcissist’s next target. Supporting the narcissist may feel safer than challenging them.
Emotional Dependency
People who rely heavily on the narcissist emotionally, socially, or financially may avoid disagreeing with them.
Manipulation
Narcissists are skilled at presenting themselves as victims. They may cry, exaggerate stories, or twist facts to gain sympathy.
Desire for Approval
Certain individuals enjoy feeling important or included. Being close to the narcissist may give them attention or validation.
Lack of Awareness
Some flying monkeys genuinely do not recognize manipulative behavior. They believe they are helping solve a problem.
The Emotional Impact of Flying Monkeys
Flying monkeys can make narcissistic abuse feel even more painful because the victim is not only dealing with one manipulative person but also outside pressure from others.
This can lead to:
- Self-doubt
- Anxiety
- Emotional exhaustion
- Social isolation
- Depression
- Trust issues
- Confusion
- Fear of speaking up
Victims often begin questioning their own memories or feelings because multiple people appear to support the narcissist.
This emotional confusion is one reason narcissistic abuse can feel so difficult to escape.
Flying Monkeys in Families
Flying monkeys are very common in toxic family systems.
A narcissistic parent, sibling, or relative may recruit other family members to maintain control or shame someone who sets boundaries.
For example:
- A parent may pressure siblings to criticize one child
- Relatives may guilt-trip someone for going no-contact
- Family members may defend abusive behavior to “keep the peace”
In these situations, the family system often protects the narcissist instead of addressing harmful behavior.
Flying Monkeys in Romantic Relationships
Flying monkeys can also appear after breakups or during relationship conflicts.
A narcissistic partner may:
- Spread rumors online
- Contact mutual friends
- Use social pressure to manipulate the victim
- Attempt to damage someone’s reputation
- Send people to guilt-trip or monitor their ex
This behavior is often designed to regain control or maintain emotional influence.
Flying Monkeys in the Workplace
Workplace narcissists may use coworkers as flying monkeys to damage someone’s credibility or isolate them professionally.
Examples include:
- Spreading office gossip
- Excluding someone socially
- Reporting exaggerated complaints
- Defending toxic leadership
- Turning team members against one person
Because workplace relationships affect careers and finances, this type of manipulation can become especially stressful.
How to Respond to Flying Monkeys
Dealing with flying monkeys can feel emotionally draining, but certain strategies may help protect your peace and boundaries.
Stay Calm
Flying monkeys often expect emotional reactions. Remaining calm can prevent situations from escalating further.
Avoid Oversharing
Be careful about sharing personal details with people connected to the narcissist. Information may eventually be used against you.
Set Clear Boundaries
You do not need to defend every decision or explain your experiences repeatedly.
Healthy boundaries might include:
- Limiting contact
- Refusing toxic conversations
- Blocking harmful communication
- Protecting your privacy
Do Not Argue Constantly
Some flying monkeys are deeply committed to the narcissist’s version of events. Endless arguments may only create more stress.
Focus on Supportive People
Healthy relationships are based on respect, empathy, and honesty. Spending time with emotionally supportive people can help rebuild confidence and emotional stability.
Can Flying Monkeys Change?
Yes, some can.
People sometimes recognize manipulation after seeing repeated toxic behavior or contradictions in the narcissist’s actions.
Others may distance themselves after becoming victims themselves.
However, not everyone changes. Some individuals remain loyal to the narcissist because of emotional dependency, fear, or personal benefit.
Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
Recovering from narcissistic abuse and flying monkey manipulation takes time.
Many survivors struggle with trust, anxiety, and emotional confusion long after the relationship ends.
Healing often involves:
- Rebuilding confidence
- Learning healthy boundaries
- Understanding manipulation tactics
- Reconnecting with supportive people
- Prioritizing emotional safety
- Practicing self-compassion
Most importantly, survivors learn that protecting their peace is not selfish.
Final Thoughts
Flying monkeys play a major role in narcissistic abuse by helping manipulators spread blame, create confusion, and maintain emotional control. Whether intentional or unaware, their behavior can deeply affect a victim’s mental and emotional well-being.
Recognizing these patterns is an important step toward protecting yourself from toxic relationships and emotional manipulation.
Healthy relationships are built on honesty, accountability, empathy, and respect — not pressure, guilt, or control.