Mark (not his real name) came storming into the therapy room. “What do you mean I can’t control that?”
You can’t control what you can’t control.
X = X
This is a tautological fact and yet when I work with leaders in my leadership coaching in London, I find massive push back sometimes.
The basis for the pushback is that often people in leadership positions have more control of their specific situation than others. In fact they are often rewarded on the basis of outcomes which assume that they are in control of the situation and that is why the situation turned out to be successful.
Further, leadership is more likely to attract people who are already people who are attracted to power and control.
So any phrase that begins with the words “you can’t control…” is an immediate trigger for them. It doesn’t matter that the second half of the phrase is trivially and tautologically true. The trigger has already been pulled.
I will sometimes ask the client to repeat this phrase for 10 to 30 minutes and observe all the reactions that come up in them during this period. Inevitably the reactions that come are full on, emotional, and bring lots of memories. All from a tautological simple phrase.
When we then examine what these emotions and thoughts are, the leader will often get a lot of insight into themselves, their drivers, their fears. And from there acceptance begins and the path to more powerful authentic leadership.
In best leadership book we see that the point of this phrase, and the acceptance that it engenders, is not to restrict what is within the realm of control. That restriction is there whether you say this phrase or not, whether you choose to see these restrictions or not. The purpose of the phrase is actually freedom and efficiency. To free the leader up from having to waste energy and emotion on trying to control the uncontrollable and rather on controlling that which is can control.
Because the corollary of this is “You can control what you can control”. Mark calmly ended the session. With a smile.