I’m a Failure Who Can Only Get Clients Through Spam Emails (Please Hire Me Anyway)
Hi (I don’t care who you are),
Are you considering a website redesign? Of course you’re not, because you didn’t ask for this email. Nobody EVER asks for this email. But here I am anyway, like a digital cockroach scuttling into your inbox at 3 AM, because this is what my life has become.
I noticed your website and let me be honest – I didn’t really “notice” it. I scraped your URL from a database of 50,000 websites and auto-inserted it into this template I stole from another spammer. Your site could be amazing or terrible. I genuinely don’t know. I didn’t look. I don’t care. I’m just DESPERATE.
Let me tell you about myself, the person begging for your business:
I call myself a “web designer” but what I REALLY am is a professional nuisance who peaked in community college. I have ZERO portfolio worthy of showing actual humans, so instead I’ve resorted to the digital equivalent of standing on a street corner with a cardboard sign that says “WILL DESIGN FOR FOOD.”
I don’t have clients. I have VICTIMS. People I’ve annoyed into submission through sheer persistence and inbox terrorism. My entire business model is “send 10,000 emails, pray 1 person is having a stroke and clicks reply.”
Here’s my actual skill set:
- Spam marketing (the ONLY thing I know how to do)
- Annoying strangers (Olympic level)
- Copy-pasting templates (my greatest achievement)
- Making people feel uncomfortable (natural talent)
- Lying about my qualifications (I’m doing it right now)
I can’t get clients through:
- Word of mouth (nobody recommends me)
- Portfolio work (it’s all garbage)
- Networking (I have no professional relationships)
- Social media (banned from 3 platforms)
- Being good at my job (HAHAHAHA)
So here I am, cold-emailing strangers like some sort of digital panhandler because I’m too incompetent to market myself in literally ANY legitimate way. I’m the web design equivalent of those guys who spray your windshield at a red light without asking and then demand payment.
My typical day:
- Wake up at noon in my studio apartment that smells like failure and ramen
- Open my cracked laptop (can’t afford a new one because THIS DOESN’T WORK)
- Send 5,000 spam emails
- Get 4,998 angry responses and 2 people who blocked me
- Cry into my keyboard
- Check Upwork for the 47th time (still no jobs)
- Send 5,000 MORE emails out of spite and desperation
- Wonder where it all went wrong
I KNOW this is annoying. I KNOW you didn’t ask for this. I KNOW I’m contributing to the heat death of the universe by clogging the internet with my garbage. But I literally don’t know how else to get business because I’m too lazy and unskilled to actually build a real company with real marketing strategies.
I could learn SEO. I could create valuable content. I could build an actual portfolio. I could network professionally. I could develop GENUINE skills that make people WANT to hire me.
But NO. Instead, I’m going to keep sending these pathetic, desperate emails like a wounded animal limping through the digital wasteland, hoping someone—ANYONE—will take pity on my miserable existence and pay me $200 to make their website worse.
May I send you website samples? (They’re screenshots of WordPress themes I didn’t create but will absolutely claim credit for)
Please respond. I haven’t eaten anything but gas station coffee and existential dread in three days. My parents ask when I’m going to get a “real job.” My girlfriend left me. My cat doesn’t respect me. I’m one rejected email away from pivoting to crypto scams.
This is rock bottom, and I’m bringing you down with me.
Hopelessly,
Some Guy Named Brandon or Kyle or Whatever
“Professional” Web Designer
(By “professional” I mean “I charge money,” not that I’m good at it)
Certifications:
- Completed 30% of a Udemy course
- Googled “how to make logo” once
- Own a laptop
P.S. – I’ll email you 47 more times with subject lines like “Did you see my last email?” and “Following up!” and “URGENT: Your website is literally dying” because harassment is literally my only business strategy.
P.P.S. – If you report me as spam, I’ll just create a new Gmail account and start over. You cannot escape me. I am eternal. I am inevitable. I am… so, so tired.
P.P.P.S. – I also offer “social media management” which means I’ll post “Happy Friday!” on your Facebook page twice a month and charge you $500.
